Something Else (or The Things I Think Make Life Worth Living)

This section of my blog is the wiliest and hardest to capture – the part I have the most trouble defining, but also, the real reason for writing at all.

Once upon a time, I was a dancer then a singer then an actor. Now, I’m none of those things. For the last three and a half years, I haven’t performed and frankly, life seems the better for it. However, I know that for me, being a performer was more than just a job or a hobby, it was both how I defined myself and it formed my view of the world. Theatre – the arts – was something I was passionate about. I thought good theatre should make people aware of the ‘something else’ out there – to instill a sense of awe in them, to make them believe that anything was possible. (This, in my opinion, is why Harry Potter is huge and why Cirque du Soleil draws massive crowds.) Being a performer in a production that created that awe, or that sense of possibility to an audience was just about the best thing I thought anyone could ever do and for awhile, I was happy to be a part of shows that didn’t do this in the hope of landing one that did.

Sadly, there were times when being involved in the arts brought me into contact with horrible people that shook my confidence (sometimes in myself and sometimes in people in general). I’ve always remembered a couple of particularly encouraging things people told me that made me believe that I was talented and worth watching, but forcibly being told the opposite was debilitating. (Therapy has helped, though I still fantasize about what will happen when what goes around comes around.) I’ve told myself since then that maybe I just didn’t want it badly enough, maybe I didn’t have a thick enough skin (something I’m sure of), maybe I just didn’t have enough heart. Ultimately it was the combination of knocks to my confidence and lack of faith in good shows out there that made it easy to just stop performing.

While I enjoy life more without the heartache of being a performer, the passion I previously felt is also missing from my life. I find myself working really hard at admin jobs, trying to get validation from work that doesn’t mean anything more than the black and white on the computer screen and then getting depressed about ‘my purpose in life’ when I realize it.

A few weeks ago, Steven and I watched a documentary on Eddie Izzard (Believe: The Eddie Izzard Story). I vaguely knew of him as a celebrity – mostly because last year for Sport Relief he ran 43 marathons in 51 days (crazy!) – but I didn’t know that he was a comedian and an actor and mostly, I didn’t realize how ridiculously hard he’s worked to become those things.

He says in the documentary that we only get one life so he believes we should live it, which isn’t something new to me, but I’m inspired by how fully he acts on this belief, and how in practice, living life means visibly working through the rough patches and sometimes failing. (Eddie decided he wanted to do comedy in France, so he learns French. At one point, he blanked on the French words for the punchline of a joke and had to ask the audience. He also wants to do comedy in Arabic. He currently knows one word. I don’t think I do his persistence justice – just watch the film and you’ll understand.)

I think what struck me most was his bravery. He wasn’t afraid to put himself out there (as a busker in Covent Garden! Just about the hardest job a performer can have…) and look bad when he wasn’t very good. In being brave, he’s created the career (and life) he wants. I wish I were that brave. My hope is that this blog is going to keep me accountable to examining my creativity and in doing so, I’ll find more passion and have a more fulfilling life.

I do know that I love stories and I think telling them and sharing them (through whatever means reach people) is important. It’s why history and old buildings give me goosebumps, and why there’s pretty much nothing I’d rather do than read a good book or watch a good movie. And then tell people about it afterwards so maybe they do the same.

I’m keen to try working in publishing, not so keen to be a part of an industry that isn’t very profitable because fewer and fewer people read. Screenplays? (I’ve started a list of books I think would convert well to film, but that’s as far as I’ve gotten.) Who knows at this point, but let’s start small. Next week you can read all about my basil and chili pepper growing adventure. (I hear you scream ‘Ohmygod!!!’ like middle-aged women at a Take That concert.) Yes, I’m that exciting, but I do get a kick out of seeing little green sprouts come out of the ground.